I Stared Death Face to Face

And I dared it to come for me.

This is the first time I am sharing this with the public. This is something only very few people close to me know about. And I hope someone sees this and holds on to hope in life and in God. I have no idea how I’m supposed to start this post. Maybe I should give a little backstory.

I am the first child of my lovely parents. I have two amazing little sisters in whom I am well pleased. As a child, I was a very intelligent kid. I was curious. I read a lot. I gathered information anywhere I could. Anywhere I saw words, I read. My dad always bought newspapers on the weekends, so when he was done reading, i would pick them up and read them too. I will always remember the Sunday when little me, still in primary school, got in a conversation with a university student after church. She was surprised about how I knew so much about the topic. Innocently, I said “I read it in the newspaper.” Life went quite well, if I’m being honest.

But there is one thing about me that kept recurring. I felt like something was missing. On some days, I would cry, all alone in my room. Asking God why I was feeling these things. I would sit in my bed, my arms wrapped around my knees up against my chest. My throat choked with questions and my eyes filled with tears. Nothing terrible happened to me, but there was this pain that would appear and sit with me. It told me I didn’t belong anywhere. It told me I was useless. It told me I was adopted and my parents hated me. I believed it.

On multiple occasions I planned running away. I was never able to bring myself to do it. I was still less than 10 years old.

I still did excellently well in primary school. I got into high school and I still did well. I got into university the same year I graduated high school. I was 16.

I resumed university and that was where things began to get ugly. I was still quite brilliant and I was doing well in school. But that feeling that sat with me as an 8 year old never left. It grew and became louder. Right from 100 level, I walked around feeling heavy. Anxiety was my best friend. Pressure to succeed pinned me down like a wrestler. Depression took me out on dinner dates. I would write exams, pass, and go to bed like nothing happened. I was crumbling on the inside but a good, top guy to everyone else.

I never felt like I belonged there. I felt like a stranger in the land. Joy felt like a foreign concept. I drowned myself in games and my books to stay distracted. I took midnight walks every other night to “clear my head.” I was one with music. Anyone who was out by 2am could almost bet to see me on a bench, under a tree, staring into darkness. I was dying on the inside. I was tired of everything. I wasn’t sure I would make it. The familiar feeling that made me weep 10 years ago was still here. Just that now, I couldn’t cry anymore.

I became suicidal. I toyed with the idea of death. I wanted to die. I was convinced there was nothing for me in this life.

One night in 2023, by around 1am, I stepped out of my room on the first floor of the hostel and I walked over to where I could stand and look at the ground. Some sort of a balcony. I sat on the brick railing, in the night breeze, and looked down, dangling my legs in the air. I was ready to do it. I was ready to hurl myself to the ground. I was ready to fling myself to my death. I was in 300 level and on a first class. But I didn’t care anymore. I knew that if I did it, I’d end up in hell, but I didn’t care. I took a deep breath and I almost did it.

But I didn’t. I thought about all that my parents had invested into my life up till that point. I thought about my sisters. What example was I painting for my princesses? Plus, what’s the point of suffering on earth to go and suffer eternally in hell? So I got off the railing and went to bed, holding back tears. (I am emotional, writing this.)

Did things get better immediately? No. But things started to get better. I was already growing in my walk with God. The Holy Spirit began to get real to me. That same year, I got elected as the president of my department. Between November 2023 and April 2024, I met some of my favourite people today. That year, I began to see reasons to live. I still battled anxiety and depression. But now, I had a reason to fight. Some nights were heavier than the others, but I told myself death was not an option anymore. I had to write my story. I graduated university in 2024 and I could not believe I had almost ended it all just a year before. I began to understand joy. I started to see the light.

And here I am, writing this today. I can’t say life is smooth now, in fact, this year has been quite difficult for a lot of reasons. But today, I can say that no matter what happens, there is hope in life. And Christ is my living hope. Today, I can look at my future and receive strength to fight through the bad days. Today, I can say that God has plans for me and that I am a tool in God’s plan for a generation, therefore my only option is to remain alive so He can use me. My life is way beyond just me now. I know that I will live to declare the glory of God.

And here I am saying to you, until He returns or call you home Himself, death is not the answer. Today may be bleak, but weeping only endures through the night. Joy comes in the morning. I am certain. The will of God for your life still stands. He loves you and wants to go great things with you. The devil knows this and wants to rob you. Do not let him win. Allow God to mould your today and men can look at you tomorrow and glorify your Father in heaven.

God loves you. And He plans to give you a future and a hope. In sorrow, He’s your comfort. In trouble He’s your stay. He has told you to cast your burdens on Him and He will carry them for you. he died on the cross just so you didn’t have to. He rose from the dead so you could live. Hold on to His garment today. Trust me.

This is my story. I hope you find hope and encouragement from this. Cheers.❤️

PS: My parents have no idea I went through all this so I can’t imagine their reaction if they find this😂. Mum and Dad, in case you read this, I promise I’m fine. I’m still around for a long while and I’m going to make you guys very proud❤️